"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." I had heard this quote before, but never paid it any mind. Until now. Why now? Because now marks seven months that we have been trying for baby number two, with no results. I have decided to share my story of baby loss and infertility to remind other women going through the same issues, that they are not alone.
I had it all planned out. I got married at 23, and I was going to have 4 children, all before I was 32. Well, I quickly learned that not all things go as planned.
It all started last October when me and the hubby decided it was time to start trying again. We got pregnant with our first on our honeymoon. It happened so quick the first time, so why wouldn't it be that way again? And we were right! Within a few weeks we had found out we were pregnant. We told our immediate family on both sides, and our son, Miles. He was so excited about becoming a big brother, although I was certain he had no idea what that really meant. About a week and a half passed, and that Tuesday came the hardest day of my life. I had lost my father the June before, so I kept calling this baby my little miracle. It was a sign from God that everything was going to be okay. But that morning everything wasn't okay. I had a bad feeling. I was crampy and felt horrible. I didn't even want to think about going to the bathroom, for I knew I could not handle what I was going to see. But eventually, I had to. I sat down and my heart was broken. I knew it was the end. I kept screaming the word "NO" at the top of my lungs. But no matter how much I yelled and cried, it wasn't going to stop it. Me and my husband got to the hospital and they told us what we already knew: I had lost that little miracle baby. I was crushed. Internally and externally, mentally and physically, spiritually and emotionally, crushed.
A few months later we got the go ahead to start trying again. Piece of cake, right? The other two were, why wouldn't this one be? Boy, were we wrong. Seven months, a run of progesterone, two doctors visits, three ovulation kits, and four different cycle tracking apps later, still nothing. Every month when I see that negative test, that horrible day that I lost my little one replays in my mind. I relive every moment of it. And all the emotions and questions come surging back. What's wrong? Why is this happening to me? But the other two were so easy, why isn't this one? What if I can never have another one? Why was my baby taken from me? And now, I think about how I could be holding a baby in my arms, if I hadn't lost mine last year.
It's hard. It gets easier with time, just like anything else, but it's hard. It's especially hard because no one wants to talk about it. If you say anything about your infertility, you are downgrading someone else's happiness. You aren't allowed to be sad, you have to go about your life like nothing is happening. You have to be strong in the face of adversity. You can't get too stressed because that will make things harder. And how do you bring it up? And what do you do when someone asks, "When are you going to try for another one"? I finally got to a point where I was comfortable with talking about it. And I'm glad. It's nice to be able to share the little sliver of happiness you got with someone else. I have two children. One of them is in heaven. And I like for people to know about my angel baby too.
After I started mentioning it to other people, I learned I wasn't alone. I felt like I was the only person who ever had a miscarriage, because no one else had ever really mentioned having one. Until I brought it up. I realized I wasn't alone. It was so nice to connect with people who understood what I was going through. It was so hard, and it lifted my spirits just knowing that I wasn't the only one.
I would never wish it on anyone, not even my worst enemy. A piece of me is forever lost. But not forever. One day in heaven we will meet again. I can't wait to hold that beautiful baby in my arms.
The days will pass whether I dwell on the situation or not. I thought I had it all planned out, but I was wrong, and that's okay. I will learn to live in the now and soak up every moment of happiness I can with my gorgeous boy Miles. After all, life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.
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